Broken

I wish I had someone who would show up at the door for no reason with wildflowers they picked themselves. Someone who would make me soup when I was sick, watch stupid Disney movies with me when I was sad. Who would hold me like there was nothing solid left in the world. Who wouldn’t lie to me because they couldn’t. Who cared as deeply as I do. Who wasn’t afraid of me because of a diagnosis on a piece of paper. People like this don’t exist. I want to be someone’s everything. The first thing they think of when they wake up, and the last thing they think of when they sleep. I want a fairytale. But I’m too broken. Too damaged. Too……too far gone. The gnarled, blackened tree among the majestic oaks.

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Bad day.

Today has been a bad day. I have been in a dark place. Dark enough that I stared into the vastness of it and was scared. I have knitted and crocheted so much today that I have blisters on my fingers. Yarn burn. Just to drive away the storm clouds and the all consuming darkness. Once again, my lack of a love life isn’t my fault. It is someone else’s. I am back to not being able to watch sex on television. To cringing every time someone is even slightly affectionate towards me. All because the one person that I want to want me…doesn’t. I feel worthless, ugly, and unwanted. Even though I know that’s not what he is thinking. And I don’t dare tell him that because I wouldn’t want to make him upset for anything. I feel so alone. So dark. Like there isn’t a star in the whole sky.

It sucks. I am so used to feeling this way that I don’t know how to come out of it. I just…wait it out. Until I can breathe again. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. It drives me mad. This vast emptiness.

Thought of the Day #4

I haven’t done one of these in a while, so here we go.

Emotion of the Day – sad but hopeful

I got some rather terrible news last night. That the specific girl the ex was cheating on me with was a girl he had been talking to through our entire relationship. It seems they have moved in together. Lovely. Most of me doesn’t care. But there’s this little bit of me that really hopes they die in a fire.

However, though I am not looking to date, I have met some pretty awesome men. I’m trying to re-connect with some old friends. Trying to figure out who *I* am. All on my own. Not bogged down by who I try to be for the people around me.

Thought of the Day #4

“Have you ever just wanted to punch past you in the face?”

Yes. Every damn day.

I have made so many mistakes over the years. So many things that have shaped the disaster sitting at this keyboard and typing these words. The scared, depressed, self-hating mess sitting before the computer.

So many things that could have been avoided had I not been impulsive, danger-hungry, and careless.

I miss the days when everything was simple. No consequences. When I got to play the game my way. And when I owned the world.

But now? Now I’m a nerve-wracked mental case with severe anxiety disorders and a body image that would made an elephant think it was small. I would love to go back and do things over. Not date the guys that I did. Stand up to the bullies in high school. Work harder. And smarter.

But then I wouldn’t be me.

In Which I Decide That Relationships Are Bad For My Sanity

Cheating assholes. Every girl has at least one. I have a whole stable full.

For those of you that don’t know (aka- those of you that don’t know me personally), I had a peach of a guy live with, and mooch off of, me for a year. And then, out of the blue, I woke up to him packing what he could into a friend’s car trying to leave before I woke up. He said that he was too stressed. That he had nearly had a heart attack a few weeks ago because of how much stress I cause him. Of course, I knew this was bullshit.

Mind you, it wasn’t a perfect relationship. We had a couple of fantastic months, and then our sex life dried up completely. After a night which we had sex and he said “God, you’re just nasty.” I didn’t understand what he meant until I remembered that he said it not that long ago. He was a nice enough guy. Dealt with my problems well, took good care of me outside of the bedroom, so I just figured he had low testosterone or something.

I had a few drastic upsets about it. He never gave me a straight answer other than that he just hadn’t been in the mood. This went on for 10 months. Over time, my ego dissolved. My self esteem crashed. I started hating myself. Masturbating made me cry. Looking at myself in the mirror made me cry. I gained 30 lbs. I wouldn’t get out of bed or off the couch.

And on top of all that, he wrote the book on how not to break up with someone who is bipolar. Plan it secretly, drop it on me unexpectedly, and tell me it’s my fault.

And today. I found evidence that he had been cheating on me for at least the last couple of months we were together.

So many people over the years have cheated on me.

One of them cheated on me for 6 months while I took care of his kids, did all the housework, and made sure his life was stress free when he got home from school. He broke up with me over the phone, told me I had a week to get out of his house after living there over 2 years. And then married the bitch 3 months later.

One cheated on me with my best friend while I was sleeping down the hall.

One of them cheated on me with 16 different girls over the course of a year.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

What I want to know is why do men cheat? Is it to feed their egos? The thrill of something new? A lack of self esteem? Whatever the reason, it has destroyed all trust that I have in other people before I even meet them. It has killed my self esteem and sense of self worth because it has happened so many times that I’ve started to wonder what is wrong with me. I would wish that everyone who has ever cheated on someone have the same happen to them, but I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemies. It makes you paranoid, self-destructive, and very very nervous. All of the lies surrounding cheating are insane. Telling the person that you’re with that you love them. Lying about who you are talking to. Lying about where you’ve been. I couldn’t keep up with all of them.

I understand that I am not everyone’s cup of tea. I’m bipolar, overweight, and a bit of a cunt sometimes. But no one, and I mean no one, deserves to be treated the way that I’ve been treated over the years. I just plain don’t understand it.

Now I’m going to go take a xanax and chill out.