Broken

I wish I had someone who would show up at the door for no reason with wildflowers they picked themselves. Someone who would make me soup when I was sick, watch stupid Disney movies with me when I was sad. Who would hold me like there was nothing solid left in the world. Who wouldn’t lie to me because they couldn’t. Who cared as deeply as I do. Who wasn’t afraid of me because of a diagnosis on a piece of paper. People like this don’t exist. I want to be someone’s everything. The first thing they think of when they wake up, and the last thing they think of when they sleep. I want a fairytale. But I’m too broken. Too damaged. Too……too far gone. The gnarled, blackened tree among the majestic oaks.

Bad day.

Today has been a bad day. I have been in a dark place. Dark enough that I stared into the vastness of it and was scared. I have knitted and crocheted so much today that I have blisters on my fingers. Yarn burn. Just to drive away the storm clouds and the all consuming darkness. Once again, my lack of a love life isn’t my fault. It is someone else’s. I am back to not being able to watch sex on television. To cringing every time someone is even slightly affectionate towards me. All because the one person that I want to want me…doesn’t. I feel worthless, ugly, and unwanted. Even though I know that’s not what he is thinking. And I don’t dare tell him that because I wouldn’t want to make him upset for anything. I feel so alone. So dark. Like there isn’t a star in the whole sky.

It sucks. I am so used to feeling this way that I don’t know how to come out of it. I just…wait it out. Until I can breathe again. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. It drives me mad. This vast emptiness.

Bipolar Slump

I know I haven’t been on here in a while and I apologize to all of ya’ll that actually follow my crazy crap. I’ve had a rough little while, had a bad hit while I was already in a downswing, so I’m feeling worse that I have in a very long time. I am crafting until my fingers bleed just to get my mind off of things. I finished a scarf, and started two more. Scarves are easy, I don’t have to think about them while I’m making them.

I had been working on this one since New Years. It’s the first thing I ever knit, and I just went and went until I ran out of yarn. It turned out pretty good.

Mom got me some fancy hard-to-work-with yarn. So I decided to knit a scarf. I have pulled this darn thing out twice to get the right size, but I think I’m finally happy with it.

I hope I have enough yarn to finish this one. The pattern is one of my own design, and I rather like it. I’ve got four 4 balls of this yarn, and I hope it’s enough to finish this thing!

Thanks to everyone who watches my posts and comments. It always makes me feel better to get an encouraging thought when I’m feeling horrible.