bedspread

This is gorgeous!

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Bullies

I read another blog about this just a few minutes ago, and it really got me thinking about things that I had blocked out in my memory.

I was one of those kids that was just troubled. Many people said that I had an old soul…..I think they just meant that I had more issues than a child my age should have. I wasn’t a girly girl. I would scream, kick, and pitch a fit if anyone in my family tried to put me in a dress. Unfortunately, because my mother was determined to keep me out of my overalls and t-shirts when I was a toddler, she bought me this super frilly terrifyingly pink disaster of a dress. This started a long standing tradition of my mother forcing me into outfits that I absolutely hated for the rest of my school going life.

I was a geek from the moment I stepped into kindergarten until the moment I stepped off of the stage at graduation. And I still am. I was bullied from as early as 1st and 2nd grade. I was destined to not be one of the “popular girls”. In elementary school, kids would steal my food, pour drinks over my head, call me all manner of silly little kid names. As I got into Middle School, things just got worse. I had a small group of friends, but sometimes, even they couldn’t be trusted. Almost every time I confided in someone, all the sudden the whole school knew, and I had a new nickname. Hell, I was sleeping with people out behind the school when I was still a virgin! Amazing trick, that.

I started my periods early, and they were extremely heavy. I know, now, that I have endometriosis, which would have made them horrible, even as a teenager. I always had to stay home at least one day during my cycle, and at least once, while I was in school, I would bleed through my pad. For *years* I got “Bloody Mary!” shouted at me in the hallways. It followed me all the way into high school, among other nasty nicknames.

I was smart, once I hit High School, I made sure that I made friends with some of the bigger, more scary boys around. If I hadn’t, I would have gotten the tar beat out of me on several occasions.

When I was in High School my disorder kicked in. I became the little creepy goth girl in the corner that no one wanted to have a thing to do with. I got called everything from slut to Morticia. I weighed 115 lbs, but that didn’t stop every girl coming or going from telling me I was morbidly obese and I should kill myself because I was too ugly. Or that I should have been aborted.

My school life was hell. I even going picked on by the *teachers*. I was so scared to even move that I just sat in the back corner of my classes and buried my nose in a book. One of my classes, I was so afraid of the teacher I went and helped the lunch ladies clean just so I wouldn’t have to face her, and I still made a B in that class.

School failed me. The marked me as a bad kid for one reason or another, and so I didn’t get the help that I needed to get away from the bullies. No one understood. Even my parents thought I was an awful child, they never believed me when I told them what was going on.

I still have the scars from those days. I don’t think that bullies understand the extent of the damage that they do to the people that they pressure. Or they do, and they just don’t care.

I have had a few of the girls that were awful to me in school come back and apologize. I just shook my head.

Teachers and school staff need to do a much better job at taking care of the kids that are in their charge. You never know what they might be having to deal with.

Crochet Ideas

So, I’ve been searching for various Halloween inspired crochet patterns, because it’s that time of the year. And I found these!

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They are so cute that I can’t stand it! Just crochet around some wire coat hangers and see where it goes!!

Thought of the Day #5

It’s been months since I did one of these, so here goes.

Emotion of the Day – Tired

My endomitriosis has been acting up all day. I don’t know the little beast that’s in there kicking my ovaries with little pointy boots, but I would really like for him to give it a rest. Other than that I have been doing rather well, considering. Things could be much worse. Knock on wood.

Thought of the Day – I wish more people understood. I hate explaining myself and apologizing over and over again.

Conversations About Medications

Someone told me that I could cope without my medications. I snapped at them harder than I should have. They asked me why I was angry. This was my response.

“I am upset because it is an extremely sensitive subject. It makes me snap rather quickly. Because no one but me has to live with the consequences of the things I say and do without the governor that is my medication. I boil over any time someone tells me that I would be just fine on my own, because it hurts. It brings back the memories of how many people that I have pushed away by saying things so hurtful they can’t stand the sight of me. It brings back the memories of how horrible I was to my parents when I was growing up, just because they didn’t understand and I couldn’t control it. You’re lucky. You don’t have to live with that every day. Knowing what a horrible beast you turn into, just because you don’t put a pill down your throat. I am Jekyl and Hyde.”

I shouldn’t blame the people who are ignorant of what those of us with life long disorders go through on a day to day basis. They honestly can’t comprehend housing this monster inside. I wish I could use words to share the experience, but no words will ever explain the pain, the anger, the darkness. I am a quiet pool of water, still and dark. No one knows that in the depths lie sharks and predators they could not fathom.

This is why I take medications. To keep those demons from breaking the surface of my quiet, calm water.

Feeling better

Sorry I haven’t posted in forever, but I am starting to feel much better. I have started crafting again, and I think my meds are on track for regulating everything! YAY!