Broken

I wish I had someone who would show up at the door for no reason with wildflowers they picked themselves. Someone who would make me soup when I was sick, watch stupid Disney movies with me when I was sad. Who would hold me like there was nothing solid left in the world. Who wouldn’t lie to me because they couldn’t. Who cared as deeply as I do. Who wasn’t afraid of me because of a diagnosis on a piece of paper. People like this don’t exist. I want to be someone’s everything. The first thing they think of when they wake up, and the last thing they think of when they sleep. I want a fairytale. But I’m too broken. Too damaged. Too……too far gone. The gnarled, blackened tree among the majestic oaks.

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Bad day.

Today has been a bad day. I have been in a dark place. Dark enough that I stared into the vastness of it and was scared. I have knitted and crocheted so much today that I have blisters on my fingers. Yarn burn. Just to drive away the storm clouds and the all consuming darkness. Once again, my lack of a love life isn’t my fault. It is someone else’s. I am back to not being able to watch sex on television. To cringing every time someone is even slightly affectionate towards me. All because the one person that I want to want me…doesn’t. I feel worthless, ugly, and unwanted. Even though I know that’s not what he is thinking. And I don’t dare tell him that because I wouldn’t want to make him upset for anything. I feel so alone. So dark. Like there isn’t a star in the whole sky.

It sucks. I am so used to feeling this way that I don’t know how to come out of it. I just…wait it out. Until I can breathe again. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. It drives me mad. This vast emptiness.