Good Day

Sorry I haven’t been on here a whole bunch. But I just had a FANTASTIC day, so I’m feeling a little more up to snuff. I got some great photos, I will probably share them soon!

Summertime Crochet Shell!

Beatrice Ryan Designs

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So I finally finished the cute tank top I have been working on!  It turned out better than I imagined it would!  Usually when I make myself a garment it doesn’t fit as well as this one does… I made a couple adjustments to the pattern, but this is a super simple, quick pattern if you are looking for something to make for yourself this summer!  It is on Ravelry for a free download, by Kim Guzman… Shell Shell is the name of the pattern…Click here to check it out.  I made mine using a Black Cotton Yarn from Knit Picks!  It is a little hard to see the details in the picture, but it is really cute… I am going to buy some bright Cami’s to where under it so it shows off the pattern!  Tell me what you think!!!

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I added some extra rows to the…

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Thought of the Day #4

I haven’t done one of these in a while, so here we go.

Emotion of the Day – sad but hopeful

I got some rather terrible news last night. That the specific girl the ex was cheating on me with was a girl he had been talking to through our entire relationship. It seems they have moved in together. Lovely. Most of me doesn’t care. But there’s this little bit of me that really hopes they die in a fire.

However, though I am not looking to date, I have met some pretty awesome men. I’m trying to re-connect with some old friends. Trying to figure out who *I* am. All on my own. Not bogged down by who I try to be for the people around me.

Crafty

I haven’t posted anything crafty in a while. So here’s a few nifty patterns.

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Find the pattern HERE

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This would make such a pretty bracelet. Find the pattern HERE 

Dermatillomania

I realized the other day that I qualify for this. So I thought I would share.

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I have always “picked”. At scabs, blemishes, scars, hangnails, infected hairs, anything that wasn’t “right”. I didn’t know that there was an actual name for it and that there was a disorder associated with it. They’re embarrassing. I try and wear clothes that will cover them. Thankfully my scars fade easily. My shoulders are covered in little white scars. It’s depressing and so many people will see me picking at a scab and yell “UGH! GROSS! STOP THAT!” But, I can’t. I will itch and twitch and go crazy until I pick at it. Meh.

Phone Calls

So. I found this great site that has a bunch of relatable statements about mental disorders. I think I am going to make blog posts about them. Here is number one.

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So many people don’t understand my weird fear of phones – including my parents. I have had friends stop talking to me because it is difficult for me to talk on the phone. People think that I’m just being dramatic, that I’m just pretending to not like phones to avoid them. No. Really. Phones can give me migraines and panic attacks. Just from the stress! I have always asked my mother to take care of my medical appointments and things of that nature, because I just plain can’t handle doing it myself. She used to try and force me to do it. Now she just says that I’m lazy and don’t want to do it when someone else is willing to do it for me. Beyond not true. Sometimes I wish that people could live in my head for just a few days. To realize how hard it is to live with severe and irrational fears. I get an adrenaline rush from making plans with someone. That is how scary it is for me.

I wish more people understood.

Misconceptions

I’m sure all of you out there with the same diagnosis have run into people who just plain don’t understand. They call you lazy, bitchy, moody, sender of mixed signals. A whole cacophony of different insults. Just because they simply don’t understand. Even when you try to explain it to them, they see you making an excuse, or don’t believe you at all.

I can’t work. I’m not on disability because my therapist doesn’t think that I’m “sick enough” for it. Stress is one of my biggest triggers. If I work, I make it less than 6 months, and then I get suicidal. I either quit, or they fire me because I’m not as good a worker as I was when they hired me.

Lately, I have gotten any number of people telling me I should get a job. That I’m just lazy. That it’s my fault I’m in the situation I am because I won’t get a job. I guess they don’t realize how painful it is for me to hear people that I care about tell me that, like I don’t WANT to work.

I would love to be out there doing something to help my family. To alleviate the strain on our finances. I don’t sit on my ass all day and enjoy the fact that I don’t have a job. I hate it. I wish I was normal. That stress didn’t cause me to fall apart at the seams.

Imagine, if you will, going to work every day like you’re supposed to. All of the little things that happen. Making your boss irate. Having to deal with coworkers that you don’t like. Having deadlines. For you, the normal person, it’s stressful but doesn’t really affect your daily life other than making you a little aggravated.

Now imagine that same stress like straw on a camel’s back. You never know when that last straw is going to be placed, but when you do, all the sudden you are suicidal, crying, and hiding away from the world because that is what triggers your illness. Just like weird weather can make a previously injured knee twinge.

That’s what it is. An *illness*. Too many people don’t realize that it’s not something that I can snap my fingers and change. Though I wish I could. My meds work the majority of the time. But stress can easily overpower them.

So. The next time you whine and bitch about someone being “lazy”, think before you open your mouth. They might be dealing with something that you, a normal, couldn’t even fathom.

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