Bad day.

Today has been a bad day. I have been in a dark place. Dark enough that I stared into the vastness of it and was scared. I have knitted and crocheted so much today that I have blisters on my fingers. Yarn burn. Just to drive away the storm clouds and the all consuming darkness. Once again, my lack of a love life isn’t my fault. It is someone else’s. I am back to not being able to watch sex on television. To cringing every time someone is even slightly affectionate towards me. All because the one person that I want to want me…doesn’t. I feel worthless, ugly, and unwanted. Even though I know that’s not what he is thinking. And I don’t dare tell him that because I wouldn’t want to make him upset for anything. I feel so alone. So dark. Like there isn’t a star in the whole sky.

It sucks. I am so used to feeling this way that I don’t know how to come out of it. I just…wait it out. Until I can breathe again. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. It drives me mad. This vast emptiness.

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Dermatillomania

I realized the other day that I qualify for this. So I thought I would share.

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I have always “picked”. At scabs, blemishes, scars, hangnails, infected hairs, anything that wasn’t “right”. I didn’t know that there was an actual name for it and that there was a disorder associated with it. They’re embarrassing. I try and wear clothes that will cover them. Thankfully my scars fade easily. My shoulders are covered in little white scars. It’s depressing and so many people will see me picking at a scab and yell “UGH! GROSS! STOP THAT!” But, I can’t. I will itch and twitch and go crazy until I pick at it. Meh.

Phone Calls

So. I found this great site that has a bunch of relatable statements about mental disorders. I think I am going to make blog posts about them. Here is number one.

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So many people don’t understand my weird fear of phones – including my parents. I have had friends stop talking to me because it is difficult for me to talk on the phone. People think that I’m just being dramatic, that I’m just pretending to not like phones to avoid them. No. Really. Phones can give me migraines and panic attacks. Just from the stress! I have always asked my mother to take care of my medical appointments and things of that nature, because I just plain can’t handle doing it myself. She used to try and force me to do it. Now she just says that I’m lazy and don’t want to do it when someone else is willing to do it for me. Beyond not true. Sometimes I wish that people could live in my head for just a few days. To realize how hard it is to live with severe and irrational fears. I get an adrenaline rush from making plans with someone. That is how scary it is for me.

I wish more people understood.

Downswing

One of the things that everyone who is bipolar has to go through. Unexpected downswings because of one…or half a dozen…triggers. My biggest trigger is stress. Doesn’t matter what kind of stress. Anything that gets me out of whack can ruin my mood for months. I’m headed towards a downswing.

With as bad as I have felt over the last 3-4 weeks, I have finally started seeing the typical beginnings of a downswing. I sleep until 1-2 in the afternoon, I’m having a really hard time getting interested in doing anything. My blood pressure is up more than normal.

Sometimes these episodes can last for months. Or weeks. Or days. I really hope it doesn’t stick around too long. Because I get hypomania and all kinds of crazy during fits like this.

It it stays too long, sometimes the only way to snap me out of it is to learn how to make something new.

Thought of the Day #4

“Have you ever just wanted to punch past you in the face?”

Yes. Every damn day.

I have made so many mistakes over the years. So many things that have shaped the disaster sitting at this keyboard and typing these words. The scared, depressed, self-hating mess sitting before the computer.

So many things that could have been avoided had I not been impulsive, danger-hungry, and careless.

I miss the days when everything was simple. No consequences. When I got to play the game my way. And when I owned the world.

But now? Now I’m a nerve-wracked mental case with severe anxiety disorders and a body image that would made an elephant think it was small. I would love to go back and do things over. Not date the guys that I did. Stand up to the bullies in high school. Work harder. And smarter.

But then I wouldn’t be me.

Thought of the Day #3

The emotion of today is less grumpy than yesterday.

I wish I felt up to working on my crochet today. But I’m exhausted and headachy. Some days are like this. I have to force myself to move. I made myself get up and run errands with dad and got hibachi food as a reward. But it was an effort. I just have no energy. My goal for the rest of the day is to sit on the couch and play Neverwinter. Bleh

Thought of the day – Chinese food has too much salt. But I’m going to pretend that it doesn’t

Thought for the Day 1st Edition

The emotion of today is tired.

I’ve been trying to come down off of soda over the last week, slowly. And it has caused my energy to drop something awful. I woke up this morning about 10:30. Went downstairs to watch TV with dad, got under a blanket, and boom it was 2 pm! I think the lack of caffeine is causing my night meds to knock me out worse than usual. I have had a hard time shaking them this week.

What am I working on right now?

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Almost done with this pretty blanket. It needs one more row and more brown and pink squares. But I don’t have much left on it! I love making baby blankets. My blanket was so important to me as a child growing up, and it still is. I would love to make something for someone that chases their fears away like mine did.

Thought of the day? Dog fur sticks to anything. Velour pants are like dog fur velcro.

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