I’m sure all of you out there with the same diagnosis have run into people who just plain don’t understand. They call you lazy, bitchy, moody, sender of mixed signals. A whole cacophony of different insults. Just because they simply don’t understand. Even when you try to explain it to them, they see you making an excuse, or don’t believe you at all.

I can’t work. I’m not on disability because my therapist doesn’t think that I’m “sick enough” for it. Stress is one of my biggest triggers. If I work, I make it less than 6 months, and then I get suicidal. I either quit, or they fire me because I’m not as good a worker as I was when they hired me.

Lately, I have gotten any number of people telling me I should get a job. That I’m just lazy. That it’s my fault I’m in the situation I am because I won’t get a job. I guess they don’t realize how painful it is for me to hear people that I care about tell me that, like I don’t WANT to work.

I would love to be out there doing something to help my family. To alleviate the strain on our finances. I don’t sit on my ass all day and enjoy the fact that I don’t have a job. I hate it. I wish I was normal. That stress didn’t cause me to fall apart at the seams.

Imagine, if you will, going to work every day like you’re supposed to. All of the little things that happen. Making your boss irate. Having to deal with coworkers that you don’t like. Having deadlines. For you, the normal person, it’s stressful but doesn’t really affect your daily life other than making you a little aggravated.

Now imagine that same stress like straw on a camel’s back. You never know when that last straw is going to be placed, but when you do, all the sudden you are suicidal, crying, and hiding away from the world because that is what triggers your illness. Just like weird weather can make a previously injured knee twinge.

That’s what it is. An *illness*. Too many people don’t realize that it’s not something that I can snap my fingers and change. Though I wish I could. My meds work the majority of the time. But stress can easily overpower them.

So. The next time you whine and bitch about someone being “lazy”, think before you open your mouth. They might be dealing with something that you, a normal, couldn’t even fathom.


Medication Mishaps


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Story of my life. I spent yesterday having missed my meds the night before. Mind you, I didn’t mean to miss them. I ended up at a friend’s too late, so I crashed in their spare room. But, because the bed was king size, different, and had few pillows, I got zero sleep. I also didn’t have my favorite trusty owl, and it didn’t smell like me. All of those combined means that I will never, ever, be able to get to sleep.

Yesterday, I coped with the migraine that not sleeping gives me, and parents who were snapping and yelling at each other all day. It’s not a good idea to startle the grumpy wolf under the blanket. That’s how people lose limbs.

All I wanted was to be left alone, so I could crawl under a blanket and disappear. However, I also didn’t want to be alone. Thus, the contradictory nature of, well, my nature. I hate days that I miss my meds. I’m angry, mouthy, annoyed and just plain not pleasant to be around. From now on, I’m going to fill an old med bottle with at least a round of one night’s worth of meds. Maybe that will help.